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To put it simply, “lit” can mean cool, impressive, popular, in-trend and more. Being lit by a gaslighter — now that means so much more. Gaslighting is pure manipulation and always comes from selfish reasons. The actual term comes from the 1938 British playwright Patrick Hamilton’s work “Gas Light.”
You may often find yourself rethinking what someone just said or told you; this is the first red flag and inner instinct reminds you that what they said just doesn’t make sense or sound right. Construed with components of hypocrisy, betrayal and mostly straight-up lying, a gaslighter’s goal is to discredit you, control you, make you question or doubt yourself and if they cannot control you, they will attempt to control or change the opinions of those around you.
Here is the clear definition of gaslighting as published in dictionaries, journals and various credentialed papers: Gaslighting is the manipulative and psychological abuse that can cause a person to doubt their reality, instincts, memories and, ultimately, their opinions or self-esteem. A person might gaslight to control, create advantage or obtain power in any work, school or social situation.
Signs To Look For
Often, the gaslighter will have a personal relationship with or be of high interest to the victim. This could be an educator, a politician, member of the media or a person with clout or power. They can even be a friend, an employee, a co-worker, an acquaintance, an intimate loved one or a stranger. Let’s learn more about the signs, the various types, how to confront, deal with, respond to and how to remove yourself from the gaslighter and how to get them or you help. Here are some basic signs, signals or behaviors that often come with being gaslit.
• They may use your trust or confidential information to create or confuse an issue ending in their favor.
• They may praise or compliment you after getting you to doubt a situation in a manner that makes you feel uncomfortable.
• They tell blatant lies or insult you and then condemn you when you question their statements or behavior.
• You tread lightly or treat with kid gloves during regular business meetings, social situations or conversations to satisfy the other person’s actions or behaviors.
• They make you the butt of jokes, say you let them down and that you expect too much.
• They make you question your statements or question your recall of facts.
In essence, they try to always make you the problem.
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Confronting or Dealing With a Gaslighter
Ever heard the old saying “laughter is the best medicine?” This can make a gaslighter question whether their scheme is not working. Laugh at them, mock their insidious behavior. Disengage. Remain confident in your knowledge, collect evidence, state facts and display an unwillingness to surrender to being manipulated with your speech and behavior. Understand that someone you respect, trust or look up to can alter your behavior and make you question your own sanity. Accepting this knowledge and respecting yourself can help alleviate and then eliminate the power of a gaslighter.
Here are a few ways to deal directly with the manipulator.
• Be cordial. Use phrases like, “I don’t see it that way,” and “the facts don’t back up what you just said.”
• You could even go so far as to bring up the relationship: “I don’t appreciate you changing the facts. To have a healthy productive conversation we must both be willing to speak the truth. Please recall if what you are saying is accurate.”
• Document and bring the situation to a supervisor, discuss with human resources if you have access or chat with a professional.
For a more direct and tougher stance, go old school. Tell the gaslighter to shut up and stop: “You can pull this junk on somebody else; I am not going to take your crap. In the meantime straighten up or get out.” This can be risky—even dangerous—because you are dealing with a gaslighter. Validate your own feelings, support yourself and realize some people just aren’t nice.
Remove Yourself
Standing up for yourself can be difficult and sometimes dangerous, so if all of those things sound like too much for your situation, try a few of these ideas instead:
• Give yourself permission to get out of the situation or conversation.
• Do not ingest what they say; strong emotions can come from being gaslighted and it’s hard to not let emotions override common sense actions.
• Go to the store and purchase a can of anti-gaslighter, it’s inexpensive and you can spray it around yourself to prevent being gaslit. Just kidding, but please remember, “laughter can be the best medicine.”
Never forget the meaning of self-preservation as it can be a great way to safeguard yourself from others. Respect others the way you want to be respected and give little allowance to manipulators. Gaslighting in any form is mental abuse, and you are not required to put up with it from anyone. Do not be alone in your decision to “not be gaslighted” — it’s not your fault and you do not deserve it.
