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Let’s start with a question: How do you view chaos? We usually define it as complete confusion and disorder, and most of us are conditioned to view it with some amount of fear. For me, however, it’s something different.
I view chaos as more exciting than daunting. I think about it at the molecular level — the high-intensity unpredictable energy working at a level we can’t see to contribute to the things we do see. I see the power and potential in it.
That’s where I think a lot of people struggle. In whatever form chaos takes for them — at home, in social situations or in the workplace — they’re trying to impose their will or order on a situation instead of taking the time to observe what’s happening and work within it.
Our instincts are to mirror incoming impulses. To meet frustration or aggression with the same emotions, for example. The challenge in addressing chaos is something that doesn’t come naturally to most people — getting out of reactive mode and into interactive mode.
Exercising Your EQ
Emotional intelligence (EQ) is a retraining of our instinct to meet like with like. For it to succeed, EQ has to be viewed as something active, like exercise. Want stronger abs? Do sit-ups and planks. Want to be more empathetic and emotionally engaged? Activate your mind and heart in a way you haven’t before.
I consider myself a highly empathetic person, but it’s something I continually practice as opposed to a natural reflex. One of the ways I began my journey toward stronger empathy was to recognize the need to slow down my responses to interactions as they were happening and consult my mental checklist:
• Am I being reactive?
• What would happen if I respond to this interaction with the same kind of energy I’m receiving?
• How do I turn that energy into something more useful?
My son once submitted work to his boss and was scolded for it being incomplete. During the exchange, my son felt perhaps he hadn’t received all of the information he needed to succeed from the start, so he was particularly disheartened. I advised him that he could either accept the nature of that feedback or explain to his boss that his approach in this instance was demotivating, so they could find a mutually beneficial approach in the future.
We always have choices about how we greet what we perceive as chaos, they just may be difficult to see or embrace.
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What You Communicate Matters
If you know the old saying “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me,” you also know it’s not true. A physical wound or a broken bone will heal, but the psychological impact of words lingers. If someone grows up without a supportive environment, that lack of emotional nutrition can leave them with limited trust and ability to communicate with honesty. Even people with strong emotional foundations can experience self-doubt in the wake of words that have been weaponized.
It’s words that allow people to empathize and connect with others. As a leader, I always try to choose words that maximize the potential of an interaction. I want to align an employee’s emotional needs and capabilities with the company’s needs at that time. If I choose the right words, great. If I choose the wrong words and that employee is going to leave disengaged, confused or demotivated, I make it a point to apologize and to clarify what I meant.
But we also know communication is more than what we say. That means you have to focus on physical and behavioral cues — body language, eye contact, engagement in the moment — and if you’re in a virtual environment, you have to be even more proactive about “reading the room.”
Empowerment Through Intention
It doesn’t stop there. I’ve been surprised in the past when I read the cues but didn’t act and someone resigned shortly after. Now I make it a point to follow up and actively show appreciation by congratulating someone on a job well done, inviting a junior employee to share ideas at a senior meeting or sharing company reviews to show my team I’m proud of what we’ve created together. That’s spreading kindness to engender the kind of kindness that helps shape chaos.
You also have to be intentional with the negative. In the past, I’ve sometimes been too slow to stop bad behavior — perhaps because I valued something that person did that benefited me or the company. Now I stop bad behavior immediately because I’m more mindful about recognizing the value that everyone brings.
As leaders, we’re setting the example and defining the culture. So, we have to ensure everyone else in the organization knows to treat each other with the same attitude. Empowerment is key. If I am always the one to have to step in — particularly as a corporate leader who also happens to be white and male — it sets up a flawed and complicated savior/victim power dynamic. It also implies there’s only one direction for resolution.
For me, that first step toward resolution is helping the other party understand how you feel. (That’s the risk that parallels the possible reward of redirecting energy toward a useful resolution.) But even if the initial effort fails and there’s a chance things may escalate, there’s always room for more questions: What else is going on? Here’s what I heard: Can we talk about it? Where do you want us to go from here?
No matter how much work you do on you, you can’t control the reaction of your fellow participants in chaos. But it doesn’t reduce the importance of approaching change and all of its possibilities as openly, honestly, authentically and empathetically as you can to try to achieve the best possible outcome for everyone.
