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Saturday Night Live‘s first episode of the election year opened with James Austin Johnson’s Donald Trump bragging that he’s “more cognitive than ever,” and that his campaign has “seen a lot of success with saying things that did not happen.”
The Republican frontrunner spoke to the press outside a New York courthouse, where he is facing a defamation lawsuit from E. Jean Carroll, a woman who a jury already determined that he sexually abused and who he can’t stop attacking.
After being introduced by his lawyer in the case, Alina Habba (Chloe Fineman), Trump commented, “You’re great on TV.Maybe the worst lawyer I’ve everhad, which is quite anaccomplishment.”
And as for the rest of his legal team who stood in the background: “This is the bottom of thebarrel, folks.This is who said yes.I’m in the lead for president,and this is the best I can get.Feels like a red flag, no?”
Trump then praised Vivek Ramaswamy, the biotech entrepreneur who withdrew from the race this week. Ramaswamy “has agreedto live in my suit pocket,” Trump said proudly, patting his jacket. “I love my little Ratatouille.”
“As you can see, I am doing verywell cognitively.Doing great with cognitive.I think I’m doing great with cognitive. I’m more cognitive than ever,” he went on, a day after Trump — who keeps bringing up how he “aced” a cognitive test — confused Nikki Haley for Nancy Pelosi at a campaign stop in New Hampshire.
“The doctors said, ‘Sir, you haveto be in the top 99% of all theconcussion and dementiapeople we give this test to,’” Trump went on. “I said, ‘Wow, I guess I’m verygood at recognizing elephants.Who knew?’And now we’re here.And this is the campaign, folks.This is all there is: me yellingin a courthouse lobby standingbehind barricade like a Guatemalan family at JFK passenger pickup.”
“I’m back in a big way. I’m back, like Mean Girls,” Trump continued, referring to the film that came out earlier this month, and whose co-star, Reneé Rapp, was SNL‘s musical host.
Trump then outlined his campaign strategy for the coming months.
“We’ve seen a lot of success withsaying things that did nothappen.I think we’ll continue to dothat.It’s an innovation I’mparticularly proud of.Seems to be working very well,” he said. “That’s why I’m not doing anydebates and barely doingelection.I don’t need to.”
“My people love me.I got the old people.They’re waiting in snow for twohours to vote for Trump,” he continued, before alluding to his comments to Iowans ahead of the caucus last Monday.
“We just need them to stay aliveuntil November.Stay alive until November.Just pull that lever and dropdead.Why?Because I am sent by God, andGod has a plan for me, orwhatever.”
The next twelve months, Trump concluded, “is going to be a veryexciting year.”
“I’m either going to jail, bepresident, or frankly, thepurge,” he said. “Perhaps all three.Let’s spin the chamber.”
