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Saturday Night Live‘s Season 51 premiere kicked off with Donald Trump and his Federal Communications Commission attack dog warning cast members not to go too far with their jokes — or face the consequences.
Trump (James Austin Johnson) began by interrupting Secretary of Defense and former Fox News host Pete Hegseth (Colin Jost) instructing high-ranking members of the military on some new rules.
“Nofatties, no facial hair, no bodyhair.Just hot, shredded, hairless menwho are definitely not gay,” Hegseth said. “Because this is serious. We are facing thegreatest threat to freedom anddemocracy the world has everknown, and we all know what thatthreat is.”
“Late-night TV!” Trump answered, referring to FCC Chairman Brendan Carr’s pressure last month on ABC and parent company Disney over Jimmy Kimmel’s comments about the killing of conservative commentator Charlie Kirk.
“I’m just here keeping an eye onSNL making sure they don’t doanything too mean about me.They better be careful. I knowlate-nightTV like the back of my hands; not looking great right now!” he said, revealing the all-too common smear of non-matching makeup on the back of his right hand.
After roasting the show’s beginning—”we all know they were nevergoing to let [Jost] do the wholeopening by himself”—Trump said of the Weekend Update co-host: “I thought he would be withhis friends at the Riyadh ComedyFestival.”
“That’s sad. We love the Saudis because theylike to ‘saw these’ journalists inhalf,” Trump joked, amid Bill Burr, Dave Chappelle and other comedians receiving criticism for taking money to perform in a nation with a dismal human rights record.“That’s the kind of thing thatwould kill over there.”
Trump then addressed another big development since the season 50 finale in May: the contents of a creepy 2003 birthday letter to eventual sex offender Jeffrey Epstein that The Wall Street Journal reported was from Trump, but which he (dubiously) denies writing.
“All right, Colin,those Spirit Airlines jokesaren’t going to writethemselves.Bye,” Trump said, shooing him away. “Oh, and Colin: ‘May every day beanother wonderful secret.’That was a quote from a poem Iwrote to ahorrible man I’ve never metbefore.”
“But here we are, SNL season51. Should have called it at 50,right?” Trump continued.“It’s so sad to see something getold and confused yet stilldemand constant attention.Oh, well.But they better be on their bestbehavior, otherwise they’regoing to have to answer to myattack dog at the FCC, BrandonCarr.”
“It’s actually ‘Brendan,’ sir,” said Carr (Mikey Day).
“It’s crazy that you think Icare,” Trump replied.
“Well, I had a great summer,” Trump concluded. “I took a little vacation timefor golfand travel and stroke.Kidding!Or not.We’ll never know, will we?”
“I ended every war,except the two main ones stillhappening and more vicious thanever,” he added.“Now starting a new war inVenezuela soon.”
That one will be paid for, he explained, “with my scams.”
